Understanding an illness is one thing; or should I say illnesses. Understanding the isolation that comes hand in hand with an illness is a completely different ball game.
I’m not talking about the isolation I once knew too well. I’m not talking about the isolation that comes with only seeing your family for months on end. No, I’m talking about a different isolation. One that I think is much harder to explain.
I have various different people in my life, all of who play an important role. I go to college and I interact with a close friend once in a while, and I see my boyfriend when I can. That used to be all I wished for, but selfishly I still envy other people. I have one close friend, and a couple others I’d just consider ‘friends’ but none of which really get me or understand a whole lot.
The isolation I feel now is different. Back when I was bed bound and crippled by fatigue and pain, I missed out on everything. School, friends, normal social interactions. What held me back then was my illnesses and the inability to function like a remotely normal human being. I was too ill. Now though? I’ve improved enough to drag my ass through college, and meet genuine alive, non imagery, real to the touch people. So what’s stopping me?
I sit at a table in Maths, and I know no one. I’m part time which is amazing for my health, but takes away the chance to meet new people on a full time course. When I walk into a room already crowded with people, I have no place in any of their life’s. I am forced to sit on a table where the only person that acknowledges me is my teacher. I sit and think about how it must feel to be liked by so many people, and to never face the embarrassment of being the quiet girl with no friends. English is better however, I’ve managed to make some friends but the struggle is still fairly similar.
The handful of friends I do have are good, genuine people. Yet isolation comes with having them too. I watch them experience nights out with their other friends, laughing and giggling; forgetting the world. It’s hard to watch. No one considers asking me and I just end up feeling forgotten. I think this is where my illnesses play into it.
I think because for the last 2/3 years I’ve never had the opportunity. It was never a case of being asked and considering it, but always a case of it never being a possibility. I now can go out and I want to, I sure as hell have worked my arse off to get here but it’s as if I’ve been covered with a sheet and totally forgotten about. I think I’ve made it abundantly clear I want to go out and about, experience what I should of done in high school but no one seems to remember me. Part of me thinks I don’t get asked because they expect me to say no. Maybe it’s just too much trouble inviting the girl that’s sick. Both are kind of crappy.
I don’t just want to go out to experience what a house party is like or spend time with a group of friends till early in the morning, I want to do these things in hope of making friends. It’s a vicious circle really. I cant get invited to anything to make more friends which I was hoping to make at this party I never got invited to, so they could invite me to others.
My family have told me to give it time, the day will come when I’m wanted and included in other people’s life’s. I just thought it would of happened already, I think I’ve waited long enough. Don’t you think?
I hate the fact that other people’s fun upsets me. I never wanted to be the person that gets jealous over other people’s happiness; yet here I am, feeling left behind. It’s not true and I’m not alone, I have an amazing family, all of which are my best friends and always will be till I draw my very last breathe. I do have friends too. Yet this overwhelming sense of being invisible can easily eat away at my good mood.
I’ve tried talking to certain people about it outside my family, maybe in hope of some understanding and progress, but I don’t think they do understand. I almost feel desperate, wanting what they have, to be loved and included. I think we often take for granted what we have, I sure did before everything was taken away from me. I feel like people over look the impact and beneficial factors of having friends because they’ve never known any different, and not being invited to something every once in a blue moon , isn’t a big deal. From someone who’s never experienced any of that, it is. Heck, I cant even get my own cousin, MY OWN BLOOD, to invite me to a single party which he has on a regular basis.
The lack of understanding is isolating itself, but being over seen constantly just adds to the feeling I’m already trying to get rid of. At times I feel like I have to insert myself into other people’s life’s to get anywhere. I have to ask about going out, I have to reach out first. I’m always the one at home while everyone else takes for granted the memories they are making. The wild and exciting ones they’ll tell the grandkids. But I can tell you this. I’ve been through some hard times; my whole family have. Every single time no friend nor foe has been there in support, just my amazing family. If I end up a weird old horse lady with 145,876 dogs, cats and ponies then that’s fine, my family are all I need. I have a friend, a best friend and an unbreakable bond in each and every one of them. That’s all I need.