It’s a selfish world.

The other day I was sitting in the car, feet on the dashboard, parked up on the side of the road waiting for my mum to come out from the shop. I watched her begin to walk away from me, pony tail swishing from side to side, and simply began to smile as I saw her disappear around the corner. I’m always appreciative of what my mum does for me and how much she loves me, she’s my best friend after all, but I often get little moments, little simple but oh so treasured moments where I watch the people I love do the simplest of things and all over again I’m struck down with this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, love and appreciation and that’s exactly what happened as I watched her walk away. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a brat at times, but I sure as hell would do anything for my family, no doubt about it. Which, happened to get me thinking. Big surprise, I know.

So there I am, tugging at the seat belt digging into the side of neck and my head begins to fill with all these thought, thoughts that for once weren’t complete non sense and it didn’t take long before it began to sadden me. You know what I realised? That most people are selfish as heck.

When I first fell ill with M.E, I had no clue what was wrong with me, I had it in my head I was dying in some slow, painful, torturous way and that was that. For quite a while I remained weighed down by my pain and fatigue, restricted to my bed. My friends had left me, my body felt like it was slowly decaying from the inside out and my attitude for life along side it. My parents still had to work, although my mum had cut down her hours considerably, and my brother was still in education. With all the hours in the day to have your mind wrap around  every dark thought, empty dream and meaningless explanation, on top of all the pain, frustration, fatigue, nausea, every single thing I could feel non stop through out the day, every day, you’d think someone would, I don’t know, come and see me? But no, I spent a good 8 months confined to my own personal prison and even my family (not close) couldn’t be bothered to see me, not a single message, visit, phone call, or card. I honestly felt like I’d been completely forgotten. Sometimes, I used to sit in my bed and wonder how I’d react if someone came to visit me. I even acted out what I’d say to them and ask them. However, no one came, no one texted, no one called, no one asked.

It’s taken me a fair while to figure out the truth. The truth being that unless it causes problems for them and interferes with their plans, then it simply doesn’t matter. Family is meant to be about support, compassion, love and finding strength from one another. Well not my fam a lam, it really couldn’t bother them that I had just suddenly dropped off the edge of the planet and left society all together. Yay. It’s not just extended family though, friends of mine and my close families friends, in a time of need and desperation, were never there.

I find it so selfish and sad that no one would take a single minute out of their day to make someone smile for the rest of there’s. I’m not trying to play the victim here and although I try to be there for everyone as much as humanly possible, I’m sure there’s been times where it just hasn’t crossed my mind when they could of needed me most, and for that, I’m sorry.

Although I am related to these people that most would call ‘family’; I truly discovered the meaning of family lying in my bed, smiling because my mum sent me a picture of my pony and asked if I wanted an ice-cream, coming home with heat patches, painkillers and a cuddle. She made and still does make every day so much better. They all do. I discovered the meaning of family when my dad text me from work to see how I was that day and still tried to keep my artistic dreams alive. I discovered the meaning of family when my brother got upset because I couldn’t be his big sister anymore, and he missed me terribly. I discovered the meaning of family when my whole family adapted their lives to make living mine even a little bit easier, and I discovered it when even I had lost hope, they never did. They always believed in me. That’s family. So although I am related to these people you would call family, my family consists of 4 people and they’re all I need when learning to dance in the rain.

I love you.


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